Abuse, no matter, what form it takes: sexual, physical, emotional or spiritual wounds our souls often driving us away from God. After I was raped at age 11 I withdrew from everyone. Five years later finding no solace in attending mass I stopped going and became an atheist. I thought, What was the point of praying. God wasn’t listening. But that left me spiritually empty.

My story as told in Not of My Making recounts my spiritual journey away from God and back again. When my children reached school age I returned to church looking to provide them with a moral education. I chose Unitarian Universalism because I believed them to be open and tolerant. Later I was driven out because I wasn’t liberal enough and because I began my journey back to Christianity. I joined a Lutheran Church. Members never saw me as one of them. It was easy for them to force me out a few years later.

Why did I turn away from God after being bullied and molested outside the church only to have my faith deepened when I was scapegoated and abandoned by three churches? Perhaps because that was all that was left. Stripped of all my safe havens I came to understand in a way that I never understood before that we all sin. It doesn’t matter what kind of church you attend. At some point, there will be bullying and scapegoating during some conflict because it is the easy way to handle it. People don’t have to change if they can put the blame on someone else. Scapegoating helps to unite people against a common foe making themselves feel powerful and righteous. Like Christ it is the innocent who are expelled.

My husband angrily asked me, “Why do you keep going to church? They will only hurt you again.”

“If someone is rejected by their partner don’t tell them to stop dating.” I responded, “Rather you tell them there are more fish in the sea and to keep searching.”

I have kept searching and to my surprise have found what I was looking for in a theologically conservative church. It is the polar opposite of the Unitarian Universalism Church but close to the Catholic Church of my childhood. I think I am safe there.

I urge all survivors to return. Help those sitting in the pews see the harm they are doing to the body of Christ by expelling some of its members. Bring your understanding and compassion to church. Unite with fellow survivors and build better, healthier churches that help everyone grow closer to God. You belong there. Didn’t your ancestors help build the churches and contribute to the financial support of its clergy? Why shouldn’t you go? Church is your spiritual home. Come home and make it a better place for everyone.